Listen: for those of you who do not know, Matt and I are not going to have a baby. Not yet anyway. For those of you who do not know: I love babies. I love babies with an enthusiastic enthusiasm of a thousand burning pacifiers. My niece, Avery is a year old and I can’t hold her without crying sweet hot tears of joy. All of my friends and family are aware of this obsession I have with little people (babies not midgets, though they can be pretty cute too.)
For those of you who do not already know, I work as a nanny and have done so for the past four years, thus nourishing and polishing my fervent baby needs. For those of you who do not know Utah is like the capital of babies, the Mormons have been told to multiply and replenish the earth and I will tell you that church is made less boring by all the hiccuping and cooing of this diminutive congregation. I think babies kept me going to church long after Jesus didn’t. It is common here to have a baby nine months into a marriage. But all of this aside, here is the birth of a bona fide decision: Matt and I not going to have a baby, not yet anyway.
This is the Question I get asked most often: Do you find porcupines pretentious? And this is the question I am asked the second most often: Are you going to have a baby? I think again this has something to do with the Mormons in Utah. Since I made it to the 24th year my life without getting married, I was somewhat of a ring less blemish on the face of this beautiful culture. For those of you who do not know Utah is also the capital of, “listen: lets get married before we fornicate,” so like my ring less finger before, my idle ovaries have gone against the majority of my virtuous neighbors, and left my uterus high and dry (there’s a visual.)
Now, before you get afraid that the reason we’re not with child is that we are unsure of how to have a baby, oh let me assure you-- we know, we know-- and we’re not telling. This is a choice we have made. A shitty choice maybe, but this choice is going to stick around or so for the next four to eight years (kind of like that last shitty president we had) so you’ll be okay, and in the end we'll have a little Obama, I mean baby and it will be cute, even if it knows nothing about foreign policy.
